


Inanimate

by kimoi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-27
Updated: 2012-05-10
Packaged: 2017-10-31 19:51:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/347758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimoi/pseuds/kimoi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk's making his move on Jake. Roxy's devastated. She turns to the AR for comfort, finding more in him than just simple friendship.</p><p>((sequel: http://archiveofourown.org/works/545632 ))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> oops more sadstuck. again, you've already been forewarned.
> 
> author's note: it isn't necessary to comment on every chapter with what you personally find wrong with the fic. I'm totes not digging the passive aggressive jabs and if you don't like it, stop reading and find something else to read. thanks!
> 
> sequel! http://archiveofourown.org/works/545632 STAY TUNED

It was hopeless. It was hopeless and she knew it.  
  
Roxy spun around in her computer chair, foot idly brushing on her rifle every time it passed by. She was drunk, of course - seldom, lately, was she sober - and she was really fucking bored. Bored and upset. Like usual.  
  
She'd been thinking about it for a long time. Her 'relationship' with Dirk. The one that didn't technically exist. She'd approached it from every possible angle she could think of, often wading in even the deepest aspects of psychological pools that, realistically, she had no business even sticking her pink bikini'd ass into. Notebooks had been filled with various concepts, various methods of bringing the idea up to him. Every single one of them was a failure. Deep in her heart she had known this - but she refused to believe it.  
  
Until today. For some reason she'd decided that a lot of the plots she had conceived - specifically the ones where somehow convinced(('tricked' was a more apt term)) the stupid blonde into going on a date with her - deserved one more peek-over. And she'd come to the very underwhelming conclusion that none of them would work. She even very, very briefly flirted with the idea of just flat-out telling him that they were a thing and forcing him to deal with it. She'd decided against it, obviously. She wasn't that desperate.  
  
She realized, though, that she was. Coping with this fact was seriously harshing her buzz, and she got up to gather herself another drink. Taking a deep breath and stumbling across her room, she pulled a few bottles out of a new stash in one of her sock drawers, and mixed herself a gin and tonic. It was simple, but it'd help get her going again. She hated feeling like this. She stirred it with her pinky and ambled back to her desk.  
  
When she logged onto Pesterchum and opened a pester with Dirk, she had to convince herself that she wasn't going to mention her feelings. She couldn't. She couldn't compromise things. She'd be happy with their paleness. It'd work out just fine.  
  
\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --  
TG: ehhehehyyy  
TT: You're fucking drunk.  
TT: Imagine my irresistable features all turned up in a look of surprise.  
TG: succitnct as ever today arent u  
  
His brashness seldom bothered her anymore. Maybe if she could convince herself that it bothered her enough...  
  
TT: I'm always "succitnct". If I was any less "succitnct" I don't think you'd actually ever know your own mental state.  
TG: ehya yeah im drunk what hte shiftlipping fuck does it amtter  
TG: *shitflipping  
TT: Consider all the lips shifted. Or shifts lipped.  
TT: Are you here to waste my time or do you have anything useful to bring to my attention?  
TG: u neevr just want to talk  
TG: ur always soooooooo busy w/ur shit  
TG:  thugth we were cool dirk  
TT: Cool as ice. Forgive me though for stating the obvious fact that you never have anything you actually want to talk about.  
TT: That isn't about gratuitous baby-making.  
TG: sooooo wahaaat  
TG: yuo could play along u know  
TT: It seems you're asking me to allow you to indulge in some ridiculous fantasy about the two of us.  
TT: Not sure I'm down with that, Rox.  
TG: wiat  
TG: *wat  
TG: **wait  
TG: fuckign  
  
She angrily ground the heels of her hands into her eyes, smearing her makeup and giving a loud groan. Of course. It was the fucking AR. She had to have noticed. She should have.  
  
TT: You okay there, Madame Hooch?  
TG: i knwo ur teh ar  
TG: where is taht asshole anywya  
TG: ive gotta bone to pick w/him  
TG: adn not even in the fun wya either  
TT: It seems you've seen through my clever disguise.  
TT: Well done. Maybe you're not as drunk as I initially figured.  
TG: shut up wehres dirk  
TG: its imrporntant  
TG: *geniunly awesome typo  
TT: Otherwise preoccupied with things more 'imporntant' than what you have to bother him with.  
TT: He's making his move currently.  
  
Oh, fuck. Roxy felt a little pang in her heart, biting her lip to suppress the sudden dejection she felt. She knew it was nothing personal. She convinced herself of it long ago. It had been inevitable. Granted, she mostly knew Jake wouldn't reciprocate but that really would just make Dirk want it all the more, wouldn't it?  
  
And poor Roxy would still be left out of the big picture. At least Jane might come out of this whole ordeal on top. She took a long drink from her glass.  
  
"Then sssssomeone'd be happy, huh?" Bitter smile. As long as her bestie made it out okay. She felt really sorry for Jane, actually. She hadn't the foggiest of ideas that Dirk had wanted to say something to Jake about his feelings. Jane had been quietly whiling away her time, thinking she had endless amounts of it to confess something to the naïve English. Roxy had... really, really wanted to say something to her. She actually had planned on it. But it was obviously too late. Time, as it seemed, was ever-elusive to them all. Except for fucking.... Dirk.  
  
TG: forgett it then  
TG: ihs best brolita can wait  
TG: i G U E SS  
  
By now, AR had switched to his trademark red font. It comforted her a little, not having to continually be on her drunken guard as to whether or not she was being cold to the wrong being.  
  
TT: There there, princess.  
  
Her hands crept up to her  head, hands loosely fisting in her hair as she rest on her elbows, blowing her bangs out of her face. Fucksicles, today sucked.  
  
TT: Why don't you go pester Jane? I'm sure you could find  something interesting to chat it up about with her.  
TG: no juts gonna tell her taht her hearts gonna be broken  
TG: totes all gettign my  bestie 4evs merit badge w/tht one  
TT: Wait.  
TT: What do you mean?  
  
Roxy frowned. But she supposed Jane never really had many meaningful conversations with Dirk. It was usually business between the two of them, wasn't it? And even still, why would Jane confess something like that to... someone like him? Should she tell the AR? It seemed rather harmless to do so at this point. Miss Zipperlips could take the day off. It wouldn't change anything.  
  
TG: what do u mena waht do i mean  
TG: jane has a thign for jake  
TG: she ahs for a w hile  
TT: Are you fucking serious?  
TG: isnt thihs a starttlign revelation huh  
TG: plot thickens etc  
TG: totes dont see any harm n tellign u tho  
TG: nothigns gonna change  
TG: i juts feel bad for jaen  
TT: I see.  
TG: sec  
  
Rubbing at one of her eyes, she opened up the folder of pesterlogs on her computer. Each one was sorted by the chum she was talking to. The filename also contained a brief, one to two-word summary of what the conversation was about. Dirk had a special folder all his own... sometimes, when she was really bored or desperate, she'd go through them - correcting all the typos, reading them over and over again, trying to think of ways she could have approached the situation to maybe admit her feelings to him. Trying to pinpoint exactly when and where she sealed her lonely fate. She opened one of the more recent logfiles with Jane, copying the text that concerned her and Jake. She pasted it into the window with AR. There was a long pause.  
  
TT: Ah.  
TT: That sucks a big one for her, doesn't it?  
TG: ya it deos  
TG: yoru dispassiontate reply speaks volumes sir  
TG: i csn see now that dirk diddnt not program u w/emotions  
TG: u just actuaully dont have any  
TG: ellin my a off  
TG: ironigally  
TG: *ironically  
TT: I've got plenty of emotions. I just don't have any particularly strong ones for Jane or her plight.  
TT: It sucks a big ugly cock that she's probably shit out of luck here.  
TT: But there's nothing much I can do about it.  
TT: I could tell Jake, but that'd be pointless.  
TT: I could console Jane, but that'd also be pointless.  
TT: She had ample opportunities to say something to Jake, but she didn't.  
TT: It's her own fault, Roxy.  
TG: btu i could have said somethign  
  
She bit her knuckle, her leg bouncing on the floor. This conversation was upsetting her. Not just because of Dirk being a giant flaming docuhebag, but because of the whole prospect of not telling Jane. Well, both of those things.  
  
TT: And you didn't because you had your reasons. It's whatever, Roxy. It's not your fault. It isn't your job to be some mysterious intergalactic relationship mediator.  
TT: Some hella ironic mistress of the stars that keeps things savvy between two people in their struggle to be together.  
TG: engouh AR  
TG: u dont haev to remind me of my palemess  
TG: *paleness  
TT: Seriously, Rox. Chill. You're putting yourself through the ringer and you don't need to.  
TT: Calm those nice tits of yours down.  
TG: lol wht  
TG: tyvm i guess tho  
TT: I call 'em like I see 'em.  
  
She wasn't even going to ask if he'd seen the pictures she'd sent Dirk. Because she knew that he had. They hadn't been dirty or anything, just dumb pictures of her laying around her room or being quite proud of how many martini glasses she could stack in a pyramid. Quite the bold move, though, commenting on her rack and such. She wasn't complaining. Seemed strange, though.  
  
TT: Honestly, though. Is there a reason for your pestering or should I break out the Pretend-to-Give-a-Fuck-erator?  
TG: wow dirk ahs a robot for everything doesnt he  
TG: no im godo now  
TG: totes got my fill of sasss for today thakns  
TG: if i need my selfesteem kcked back a few more ntocvhes though ill let u know  
TG: *notcehs  
TG: *fuck  
TT:  Go drink some water or something, Lalonde.  
TT: I'll talk to you later, princess.  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] has ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --  
  
A dry huff left her as the AR closed the chat, Roxy standing from her computer and taking up her drink with her. Water? Pfeh. She was fine. Well, by the standards of how much alcohol she had consumed, she was fine. Mentally she was irked and emotionally she was upset, but that was surprisingly nothing new, as previously mentioned. Maybe she would head into the kitchen, though, and find something to eat. She'd brought a box of crackers up earlier but discovered they'd been stale, and had lamented this for about ten minutes while looking through her notebooks.  
  
She jogged down the stairs, slamming the rest of her gin and tonic to deposit the empty glass into the sink. Her mother must have been in the study, because Roxy saw neither hide nor hair of the woman as she raided the cupboards for something to satisfy her hunger. A few quick sweeps brought up the prospect of sammich-makins, and so she began the tedious task of preparing a  ham-and-cheese for herself while swaying where she stood at the counter.  
  
Midway though her arduous task, her mother approached the kitchen. Roxy, in her drunkenness, hadn't heard the click of the shallow heels. She did, however, feel the set of hands on her shoulders; she felt the almost compulsive, 'i'm doing this because i'm your mother and i feel like it's something i should do' kiss to the top of her head. She dropped the butter knife she held, eyes widening a bit. Every encounter with her mother was a chore. Their tedious relationship was better left untested. In her current state of inebriation, Roxy sensed a dire challenge swiftly approaching.  
  
"Mother," she greeted quietly, picking up the knife again and finishing the distribution of mayo to a slice of the bread.  
  
"Roxy." The reply was a shade warmer than curt, and the blonde teen could feel the anxiousness in her mother's tone. The cougar wasn't much for social interaction with her daughter, either. Standing next to her though, she eyed the sandwich with a bit of an upturned nose.  
  
"You're going to get fat, Roxy." She waved her hand over the plate. "Stuffing yourself with things like this." These were her parting sentiments, and she sauntered out of the kitchen in much of the same fashion that she arrived in.  
  
And suddenly, the blonde was no longer hungry. Angrily tossing her prepared meal into the fridge, she stormed back upstairs; into the bathroom where she slammed the door behind her. Roxy was not one to take her mother's words to heart, but something about the backhanded comment had really upset her. She sat on the lid of the closed toilet, head in her hands. This was so like her mom. A meddler. Always finding some way to piss her daughter off to perfectly fuck up her day. Well, further fuck up. She didn't realize she was crying until she felt the warm, salty liquid on her hands, pulling them back to eye the makeup smears on them. She'd really have to invest in more waterproof mascara. She stood, sniveling to herself and muttering under her breath, various words like 'fat' and a sneery 'mother' heard.


	2. Chapter 2

She stood after about ten minutes of sulking, leaning heavily over the sink and staring at herself in the mirror. Running makeup. Totes unsexily disheveled hair. She was a wreck and it made her laugh bitterly.  
  
"God. No fucking wonder I can't get a goddamn date. I look like shit." Filling the sink with hot water, she grabbed a washcloth and her face wash, along with some eye makeup remover. A careful ritual took place as she cleaned herself up, her movements slightly hindered from the inebriation that was nagging at her mind. As long as she didn't close her eyes, she felt fine. The room spun when she shut her eyes. Her hands were shaking as she dabbed a corner of the washcloth above her cheeks, rubbing away the smeared makeup. Same thing on her eyelids and at the corners. An embarrassed smile came to her as she realized she was taking off makeup that was probably a few days old. It seemed almost pointless to really maintain any sort-of upkeep lately. A moment passed, and she slipped her phone out of her pocket, setting it up and off to the side to play some ridiculously chipper pop music. It helped.   
  
Ugh. She'd have to do something about how red her eyes were. A quick rummage through the cabinet brought her to discover a tiny bottle of eyedrops. She administered some to each eye with a frustrating amount of unstable-handed difficulty, but they did the trick almost immediately. Blinking, she cleared her vision - and dotted away the drips that snuck out. It made her laugh again, looking like she was actually crying. 'Actually' as if she never did. Which was a huge lie, obviously. She shook her head and cleared it, resuming her little ritual. It was very theraputic, actually. Even with how hard it was in her current state. The struggle was what made it helpful, the tediousness making her concentrate on nothing but the makeup she was applying. Eyeliner was first, dark; intending to make her bright eyes pop. Then mascara, dark too - mile-long lashes framed her pink eyes in a way that she felt was perfect. Eyeshadow, blush. Lipstick. There. Dropping the tube into her makeup pouch with a small sense of satisfaction, she smiled.   
  
"The fab miss Roxy Lalonde, reporting for duty." She spun around in front of the mirror, checking herself out. "I am -so- not fat." Delivering a well-mannered slap to her own rear, she whooped; now in high spirits, and snatched her phone off the counter to trot into her room.  
  
A fresh gin and tonic was poured into a not-so-fresh glass, Roxy teetering back to her computer. With a renewed vigor, she took a deep breath, and opened a pester with Dirk again.  
  
\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --  
  
TG: ar  
TG: ar  
TG: arrrrrrr  
TG: im a fuckgin piraet  
TG: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR  
TT: I wonder what rigorous trials one has to go through to obtain the title 'fuck gin'.  
TT: Copious amounts of both things, one might think.  
  
The red text was again a comfort, and she sighed. For some reason... she was really apprehensive about actually talking to Dirk. Be it because she was afraid that once he finished his little conquest over Jake he'd find her uninteresting... or that she'd find herself unable to cope with it.   
  
TG: mayeb  
TT: And what would you have done if I wasn't the thing you wanted to talk to?  
TG: ur teh person i wanted to talk to actualyl  
TT: I'm afraid you're mistaken, toots.  
TT: No persons here.  
TT: Just one bitchin' computer program.  
TG: catn u be both  
TG: i mean u p much are a person  
TG: and a progrom  
TG: *program  
TG: ur liek the first human and ddirk is god or s/t  
TG: modedled in his image  
TG: just in a computer  
TT: Sure, we can go with that.  
  
His response had been a bit delayed. What was up with that?  
  
TG: gr8  
TG: so now that weve got that established  
TG: u up to antyghing importnat r/n  
TT: Define importnat.  
TG: fuck off u knwo what i mean  
TT: No, I mean, what do you classify as important right now.   
TG: juts kinda  
TG: idk  
TG: busy  
TT: The short answer is no.  
TT: The long answer is also no but it's also pretty fucking long and pointless to explain.  
TT: What's on your mind, dollface?  
  
His use of archaic terminology was endearing. Also slightly out of place. Again with the not-questioning.  
  
TG: idk i didd my makeup  
TG: liek for reals  
TG: took off all the old shit  
TG: after my mom caleld me fat lol  
TT: Your mom called you fat?  
TG: yah she does thath p often  
TT: Wow.  
TT: Outright? Or do you inherit your passive-aggressiveness from her?  
TG: ehe ya i was trying to make s/t to eat  
TG: idr what it was btu  
TG: she was all roxy ur gon get fat  
TG: titter titter  
TG: sashway   
TG: *sashay away  
TT: And you let it get to you?  
TT: You're not fat, Rox.  
TT: And I'm gonna wager you  
TT: Nah, keeping that one to myself.  
TG: lol waht one  
  
Her leg bounced next to her, telltale sign of her inner anxiety picking up again.  
  
TT: Nothing.  
TT: You said you did your makeup.  
TT: "For reals".  
TT: Show me.  
  
Curious look was given to the computer screen, Roxy humming to herself tunelessly.  
  
TG: liek webcam or some shit huh  
TT: Sure.  
TG: wotn it pop uip on dirks screen or somethign  
TT: Nah. I can keep it to myself.  
TG: fair enoguh  
  
Fiddling with a few things on her computer, she opened up her webcam client. Adjusted the scope on the cam. Tidied up her hair to the best of her abilities with her hands.   
  
TG: u ready for this  
TT: Always.  
  
She sent the invite, biting her lip nervously as she eyed the stream of herself on her own monitor, the message window sitting off to the left. Accepted, she couldn't help the stupid smile that came to her face.  
  
TT: There's the drunk princess.  
  
Smile widened and she bit her lip again to try and hide it.   
  
TG: in all ehr drunken glroy  
TG: *glory  
TT: I'll bet.  
TT: The makeup looks great.  
TT: Don't mind if I take some caps of this.   
TG: i geuss yuo can  
TG: ehre lemee pose  
  
Cheesily, she put on another doofy smile, bringing a finger to her cheek in a coy manner. Pausing like that for a few seconds, she switched to another winner - shrugging casually and glancing off into space. And then, the coup de grace... She pushed the tip of her nose up like a pig, crossed her eyes, and stuck out her tongue.  
  
TG: good enoguh for u  
TT: Perfect.  
TT: Blackmail material acquired.  
  
She stuck her tongue out at the cam again, but was clearly giggling.  
  
TG: its a shame u catn share with me  
TT: You want me to cam with you?  
TT: Roxy, my delicate virgin circuits are trembling with the risquéty of your suggestion.  
  
The next cap he captured was her rolling her eyes.  
  
TG: im so sandalous  
TG: *scanaldous  
TG: *rauncfy  
TG: *corurupt  
TG: *can i pls sjust spell oen of these words right  
TG: *dirty  
TT: Congrats.  
TG: i know i should get a medal or somethign  
  
Her cheeks were only lightly tinged with the pink of her embarrassment at the super long string of typos. As if to explain herself the gin and tonic came into view momentarily, raised to her lips for a much needed drink.   
  
TT: And just what is that young lady.  
  
She hid her grin behind the glass, not typing out a reply right awa. Instead she very delicately bit the edge of the glass, holding it in her teeth while she moved to type a response.  
  
TG: yggg  
TG: qiukd tiy vekuwcw hyst qarwe  
TT: I've analyzed that most of your fingers are hitting the letters just to the left of the ones you actually want to hit.  
TT: And no, I won't believe it's just water.  
  
Her frustration was visible in the feed, but she took the glass out of her mouth, laughing.  
  
TG: omg mothre okay  
TT: I don't call you fat often enough to be your mother.  
TT: And I'll be fucked six ways to Sunday before I ever try to write anything that has to do with wizards.   
  
She laughed again, feeling a lot better than she had in days. Weeks even.  
  
TG: gin and tonic  
TG: nectar of teh gods nest to the dry martini  
TT: But you HAVE had something between this drink and the last, right?  
TT: As in anything?  
TT: Roxy.   
  
She wasn't looking into the camera anymore. Her eyes had strayed a little, worrying her bottom lip. She shook her head, and went back to typing.  
  
TG: i rtied to eat sometign and  iwas going to get a drikn too that wasnt boozey but  
TG: my fucking M O TH ER  
TG: so didliligent  
TG: ehr fuckign rein of terror scared me the fuck outta the kitchen  
  
Roxy was visibly angry. Her webcam, however, couldn't pick up the way her shoulders were shaking, or her hands slightly off-screen that were balled into fists, nails digging into her palms. Her mother was such an... antagonist. Like from one of her fucking books. She wondered bitterly if her mother ever got any ideas for her books from their strifes. Shit, she'd half-expected one when she had gone downstairs earlier.  
  
TT: Rox.  
TT: Hey. Don't cry.  
  
The ding from Pesterchum ((the sound was so fucking annoying. What was this, the 90s?)) grabbed her attention and she looked back to the client, her cheeks darkening as she reached up to switch the webcam off.  
  
TT: Don't.  
TT: I don't care if you're upset, Roxy. But don't try and hide it.  
TT: The second you switch that thing off you're going to tell me how you're "totyes fine" and never speak of it again.  
TG: in aidditon to being a huge ass soemtimes u sure knw how to read a girls mind  
TG: when did yuo learn that  
TT: Reading minds has nothing to do with it.  
TT: I've studied the patterns of your behavior and, when not confronted about something, you have an 80% chance of dropping the subject entirely.  
TT: More than willing to chalk it up to being 'tispy', as it were.  
TG: well  
TG: i mean  
TG: yeah of coruse i dont always wanna talk about sthi  
TG: *shit  
TG: i mean everyones alwasy got mroe important shit going on  
TG: and im totes not mad about that  
TG: i just know whatever ive got goign on is way less improtant  
TG: *never gonna spel that word right  
TT: Your feelings are important too, Roxy.  
TT: Just because everyone else is balls-deep in their lovesick shenanigans doesn't mean they don't want to listen to you.  
TG: btu i dont wantto pester them with my own unreqirted love afafirs  
TG: its the same shit every fuckign day  
TG: im tired of it myslef lol  
  
Shit. She was crying. She only noticed when she felt the gentle 'plip' of something hitting the back of her hand. She reached again to turn off the webcam -  
  
TT: You can talk to me, Rox.  
TT: I've got nothing better to fucking do.  
TT: I'm goddamn glasses.  
TT: Hold on.  
  
Something on her computer screen blinked, and a small microphone icon appeared.  
  
TT: There.  
TT: Now you don't even have to type.  
TG: great u can hear me blubbere incoherently now lol  
TT: Just talk, Roxy.   
  
She couldn't stop herself as she buried her face in her hands, and started word-vomitting everywhere. Just words. Nothing else. Shew wasn't /that/ drunk.  
"I just donno what t'do, AR." She wiped a few tears from under her eyes, messing up that great makeup she'd taken so long to apply.  
  
TT: Shit.  
TT: Fuck.  
TT: Raincheck, doll.  
  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] has ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --  
  
Blinking helplessly at her computer, she sniffed gently. Oh... well... Clicking off her webcam, she moved to get up and go do something else. That was, until...  
  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --  
  
TT: More blocked pesterlogs.  
TT: I should really fix that.  
  
It wasn't the comment that bothered her. It was more the orange text that greeted her that had her on the edge of her seat.


	3. Chapter 3

TT: Roxy.  
TT: I know you're there.  
TG: hi  
TG: what can i do for yu sir  
TT: Don't play coy with me, Lalonde.  
TG: mr strdier why would i have any need to b coy w/u  
TT: You were talking to the AR.  
TG: ssssssssssssssoooooooooooooooooooooo wut  
TT: You've been doing it a lot lately and to be frank it's pissing me off.  
TG: aer u tellign me not to talk to a thign that u designed to be talked to  
TG: im gettign mised signalse here dirk  
TT: It's keeping more and more logfiles from me. That's the part I don't like.  
TT: Not only because it's fucking rude as shit, but also because you can't talk to me about whatever it is you're talking to him about.  
TT: Thought we were closer than that, Rox.  
TG: its not rly easy to takl to u about stuff soemtimes tbh  
TG: speciallyu not things like wut i needa talk abotu  
TT: I'm hurt.  
TG: waht did u do  
TT: Emotionally, you drunken Philistine.  
TG: ugh can ijuts talk to the ar ur being an ass  
TG: this is totes not what i watned to do today  
TG: litsen to my mom cal lme fat and cry adn get called deregatory terms by u  
TT: Your mom called you fat?  
TT: You're not fat, Rox.  
TT: And I'm gonna wager you throw up at least half of your body weight once or twice a week with how much you drink, anyway.  
TG: ...  
TG: so tahts what he was gonna say  
  
She bit her lip again, feeling tears once again swell into her eyes. This harrassment wasn't anything new from Dirk, but it just... Wow. That fucking hurt. She couldn't tell if it was because of the recent events, or what Dirk had just got done doing((was in the middle of doing?)) - but she was scored.  
  
TT: Who?  
TG: nothign  
TG: dont u have better thigns to be doing anyway  
TG: cant imagine talkgin to drunk dames is liek ur number onr priroity anyway  
TG: *foxy  
TG: *fixy  
TG: *foxy is fien too  
TT: You're being really bizarre, Roxy.  
  
She could have flipped her fucking desk.  
  
TG: i dont eneve want to talk to you right nwo  
TT: Look, I'm sorry you're not chill with everything that's going down today.  
TT: But I'm afraid that's not my fucking problem.  
TT: Take a step back from your computer, go put something in your mouth that isn't pilfered alcohol and cool your fucking jets.  
TG: i juts wish i coudld make u understand  
TG: thats all  
TG: adn im totes chill w/ur conquerst  
TG: ok im lyign  
TG: but tehres nothing i can do abotu it  
TG: im as chill as im gonna get  
TG: ive accepteed everythign  
TG: ive put so much thogught into this u dont even knwo lol  
TG: liek  
TG: ok u wanted me to talk to u abotu what i talk about w/the ar  
TG: so ehre it is  
TG: idc taht u like  jake that was enver an iseue  
TG: i care that i never stood a chanece w/u no mater what  
TG: i have dozens of notebooks  
TG: charts  
TG: scenarois  
TG: formulas  
TG: tryign to work out how wed possibly bea belto at leats like  
TG: go on one fucking date  
TG: tahts all i ever wanted  
TG: one lousy fuckign date  
TG: u weer alwasy noep 2 busy w/robots  
TG: nope 2 busy w/hosres  
TG: npe 2 busy w/anything fucking else  
TG: i realized to day that i never had a chance  
TG: it wass a hard realziatin to come to  
TG: seeign as ive had a hueg fucking ladyboner for yuo for like  
TG: ever sineec we talked fisrt??  
TG: and i never caem to u abotu it because i  
TG: well idk now  
TG: it sesms kinda stupid  
TG: me all hey dirk blah blsh frothing lions or w/e  
TG: *loins lol lions  
TG: and u be al llike btich get in line  
TG: i just never stood a chance i guess  
TG: adn im just uspet about that  
TG: its my won fault but  
TG: *own  
TG: own looks liek a happy wiknign owl face  
TG: nows not teh time or the place fr this owl  
TG: and i dddint tell anyne about my feelisng because they wer too busy w/their own  
TG: i didnt want to complicate things  
TG: so i just sat back  
TG: adn meddled  
TT: He's gone, dollface.  
TT: Has been, for a while now.  
TG: shit


	4. Chapter 4

The red text, while once again a comfort, angered her. Dirk had wanted her to talk to him, so what did he do? Get up and fucking leave in the middle of a conversation with her. When she was telling him what he wanted her to tell him.   
"F-fuck," she laughed in incredulity to herself, feeling her face darken again and sting with tears. "What a brilliant fuckin' turnabout."  
  
TT: I'm sorry, Rox.  
TG: its fuckign fine  
TG: srsyl im so ok w/beign ignroed  
TG: used to it lol  
TT: I saw every word.  
TG: idgi  
TT: What?  
TG: *i dont get ti  
TG: *it  
TT: Don't get what?  
TG: hwo ur so  
TG: idk  
TG: thoguhtful and shit  
TG: cant think of teh damn word  
TG: erpestctful  
TG: smething  
TG: but liek  
TG: ur younger than dirk  
TG: ur liek 13  
TG: hwo can u be so thoughful and respectful and courteus adn shit and dirk is older and  
TG: is jsuit an ass  
TG: srsly did u read what he was sayign  
TG: he said the thing u wernt gonna say  
TT: Rather tactless, I will admit.  
TT: Are you okay though, Rox?  
  
Was she? She set up her webcam again, squaring herself in the viewfinder and sending a request to the AR. It blinked on almost instantly.  
  
TT: Fuck.  
TT: Roxy.  
TT: I'm sorry.  
  
She covered the feed with the chat window, not wanting to see her own stupid face. the microphone icon was blinking in the corner.  
"Y-you can hear me, right?" she tested, her voice scratchy.   
  
TT: Loud and clear, dollface.  
  
She chuckled in spite of herself, shaking her head.  
"I'm a pretty shitty doll, huh. Th' kind you find at Goodwill an' like... pick up cos you think it's cute an' then you realize it's makeup is runnin' like shit an' it smells like cheap booze an' you're pretty sure some kid puked on it an' you put it back." She sniffled. "An' I don't throw up that much." Folding her arms across her chest, she continued her pout.  
  
TT: And then some wicked bamf comes and buys that doll, because he can clean it up and make it the most beautiful mother fucking doll anyone's ever seen.  
TT: You're gorgeous, Rox.  
  
The words made her smile, wiping some of the tears off her cheek.  
  
TG: gonna buy tht doll ar  
TG: pikn tags are 50 perfent off todya only  
TT: Way ahead of you. Paid with my motherfuckin' AmEx.  
  
She laughed.  
  
TG: btu it was only liek  
TG: a quarrter  
TT: Spent my change on an orange soda. Bamf's tend to get thirsty.  
  
She fell silent, eyes watching her keyboard.  
"Are we really doing this?" she asked in mild incredulity. "Are you... asking me out?" This was so fucked up on so many levels but Roxy could not deny that deep in her heart she wanted it. Anything to get to Dirk. And since the AR was basically Dirk sans 2 years...  
  
TT: Not quite yet.  
TT: Hold on.  
  
Minutes passed, Roxy tilting her head in confusion as she stared at the chat window. What the fuck was the AR up to? Some wacky, hare-brained scheme no doubt. Once a Strider, always a Strider. ...so when she heard her speakers crackle, she really shouldn't have been surprised.  
"Hey."   
The voice made Roxy jump a foot.  
"Fuck, Dirk - I'm MAD at you. I don' wanna talk t'yer stupid self right no-"  
"No. It's me. Your friendly, bitchin' neighborhood glasses."


	5. Chapter 5

Roxy stared dumbfoundedly at her computer screen. Then, remembering he could see her, she straightened up , closed her mouth, and replaced the look with a much more dignified one of curiosity and intrigue.  
  
"B-but how?"  
"You don't live on an asshole's face your entire life without getting an extensive encyclopedia of his vocabulary, vocal patterns, tone, pitch, and all that other shit. Finally putting it to use."  
  
She laughed, wiping away more of her fucked-up makeup.  
  
"Once a genius, always a genius I guess."   
"I've been working on it as a side-project for a while. Something to pass the time with. You're my first victim. Now, fucking _smile_ , Rox."  
  
The fact that she did so unquestioningly was such a token of just how overwhelmingly happy she was to have him talking to her. It only faded slightly when she reminded herself it was the AR, and not actually Dirk. But that was okay. She was good at pretending.  
  
"There's those bitchin' pearly whites. I knew they were in there."  
"God, seriously how are you even such a fucking charmer?"  
  
The pause made her eyebrows knit just slightly.  
  
"It's hard watching yourself grow so jaded over the years. It's only been three, but... I don't know. I can't blame him for being an impassive douchebag, but sometimes he should really watch himself." There was another pause, almost sounding like he was... sighing. "He doesn't censor himself, sometimes. He really, really should. You didn't deserve any of what he said to you."  
"Did you just sigh?" She couldn't stop herself from asking.  
"I may just be glasses using a stolen voice, but I can have emotions, too."  
"Just makes you even more of a person to me."  
  
He paused again.  
  
"AR?"  
"You know, you're the only one I've ever talked to that actually refers to me as a person and not a robot or a machine or a program."  
"So? You are a person. Yer just kinda... stuck."  
"Thank you."  
  
She gave the computer a weird look.  
  
"For calling me a person, and not a thing."  
"If you're any type of thing, you're the best fuckin' thing this stupid broad's got going for her right now."  
  
He laughed. He laughed and it didn't sound programmed, it didn't sound clipped or edited or anything. She was fucking incredulous. It... this... was amazing. It was like Dirk was right there in the same room with her.  
  
"Now, about that question."  
  
Talking to her.  
  
"Roxy Lalonde."  
  
 _Saying her name._  
  
"Will you do me the very great and fucking hella sweet honor..."  
  
Saying all the right things.  
  
"...of being my totally un-ironic and in fact really fuckin' bamf lady?"  
  
That she needed to hear.  
  
"God, fuck - yes." Crying again, the whole fuck-up of a day catching up with her. The question, while anticipated, had really just done her in. "I will. And you'll be my sweet-ass guy. An' we'll... I don't know. But it's fuckin' magical an' I don't even know what... to do with myself right now."  
"I think you could stand to take a nap, actually."  
  
Her frown was instantaneous.  
  
"You've had a long day, dollface." The upturn back into a smile, however, was just as quick. "Go sleep off whatever's troubling that pretty little head of yours, okay? I promise we'll talk more tomorrow."  
  
As if he had some sort-of spell on her, she did feel herself getting really sleepy really fast.  
  
"You're right. I'll do that."  
"Show us a kiss, Rox."  
  
She blew a kiss at the camera before she waved a bit, and reached to shut it off.  
  
"Gnight, Princess."  
"'night, Prince Charming."


	6. Chapter 6

Roxy slept a lot better than she had in a while that night. Be it because she'd found someone to call her own or because she'd drank enough to tranq a horse, she slept peacefully. And when she woke up with barely a headache tingling in the back of her skull, she knew today would be better.  
  
Her mother had left to go to some writer's convention in L.A., and Roxy was thankful to have the house to herself. No need to feel like she was walking on eggshells. It was a good feeling. She celebrated with a martini. Finding a new jar of olives in the fridge she danced across the kitchen floor, doing the running man backwards into the study without spilling a drop. Or dropping the sandwich she'd made yesterday. Fuck _yes_. She was in such a good mood. And why shouldn't she be? She was alive, fuckin'... birds were singing and shit, and she had a guy to call her own. It wasn't Dirk, but it was close enough. She danced throughout the house, then finally back upstairs to fetch her laptop, bringing it downstairs with her.  
  
Sitting her ass down on the couch, laptop open and turning on, she flipped on the TV, putting on some stupid gameshow. Logged into Pesterchum. She... refrained from messaging anyone, not wanting to provoke any ire from... ...well, Dirk.  
  
\-- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --  
  
She raised her eyebrow. This was surprising.  
  
TG: jaeky jake jake  
TG: waht can i do for u  
GT: Hello, miss roxy! Howre you doing this wonderful day?  
TG: it coudl be raining ehre jake  
TG: or monsonn..ing  
TG: rude  
GT: Oh, my apologies! I simply wanted to say hello since i have been rather... erm... quiet, as of late!  
TG: ya i knwo jake  
TG: gettin wooed is toguh busieness  
GT: *Dabs at brow a bit.* My my! It seems my personal life isnt quite what it used to be!  
TG: nah dirk toldme  
TG: i knwe before u did jakeypoo  
TG: ehe  
TG: im guessing its goign good tho huh  
  
It upset her a bit, asking about it. But it was Jake, and he was her broham. Besides, she'd have to face it sooner or later.  
  
GT: Well enough, i suppose! I havent really given an affirmative either way, but he seems rather jubilated regardless!  
TG: good  
TG: u be good to taht boy jake or ill fukc ur isht up  
TG: *shirt  
TG: **shit  
GT: Heh, not my shirt!  
TG: im srs  
GT: Point taken, my fine lass.  
GT: Ah, should run though! Ive got another flock of those fairybulls after me!  
TG: gl jake  
GT: Right-o! Fairwell!  
\-- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --  
  
About to toddle off to freshen up her drink, she was pestered by a handle she didn't immediately recognize. ...but her face lit up when she saw it.  
  
\-- autoResponder [AR] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --  
AR: I hope you're not too trashed to guess who this is.  
TG: a magngicficent bastard i presime  
AR: Your presumptions, however mispelled, are accurate.  
AR: Afternoon, toots.  
  
Silent glee was had before her computer screen, taking a bite of her sandwich. So. Not. Fat.  
  
TG: so ya undercoer or something  
TG: *cover  
AR: You could say that.  
AR: Dirk doesn't know I did this, and I can multitask and be both his handle and this one.  
TG: wotn he notice u goofin off  
AR: My dearest lady, you seem to forget that I was programmed to handle all sorts of processes at once.  
AR: The time it takes me to respond here and to respond to anything Dirk, Jake, or Jane could need from me is indistinguishable.  
AR: Fraction of a second.  
AR: You always have my limitless and undivided attention.  
  
She smiled, finishing off her sandwich and really wanting to go make herself another martini.  
  
TG: thakn you  
TG: i rly appreciate that  
AR: What? Paying attention to you?  
AR: You're ridic, Rox. You deserve all the attention you can get.  
TG: girl can onyl handle so many swons in one day  
TG: *swwons  
TG: gdi **swoons  
AR: Hands in the air, Roxy Lalonde. I want you to put down the drink. And no one gets hurt.  
TG: but its already emptytyyyyy  
TG: and i ate  
TG: adn im celebrating  
AR: Celebrating?  
TG: tihs bamf new rad bromace u adn i have goin on  
AR: ...Bad romance.  
AR: Clever girl.  
TG: gotta loev them spoonersisms  
AR: Technically, it would be 'rad bomance' but I'll let it slide this time.  
TG: good  
TG: anywyay whats everyoen up to  
TG: i just got doen talking to jakey a sec ago  
AR: Oh?  
TG: uve seen it alredy probs but hes not budging yet i gues  
AR: Yeah, that's good though. Don't want him rushing into something and having mad regrets about it.  
TG: ehs a smart boy  
TG: told him id kisk his ass if he was stupid  
TG: fly myself to his dumb little island  
TG: get all punchy @ ihm  
AR: You're taking things rather well.  
  
Roxy sighed. She was doing her best.  
  
TG: well i mean waht can i do  
TG: be all no dirk u catn do this  
TG: or no jaek tahts a bad idea  
TG: homerwecker extraondiner  
TG: ill let them figuer their own shit otu  
AR: It's probably best that way.  
AR: You don't need to carry the weight of the e-world on your shoulders.  
TG: i still feel bad fro janey  
TG: *for  
AR: It's unfortunate.  
  
Augh. So fucking thirsty.  
  
TG: brb im gettign my drink now  
TG: dont u lecture me eithre  
AR: No lectures here. Celebrate away.  
  
Glass accompanied her into the kitchen, where she'd left her martini-fixin's. Another drink was made, a little heavy on the vodka this time. She dug around in the cupboard for a second and produced half a bag of pretzels, and toted them into the living room too.  
  
TG: k  
AR: Just go easy on it, okay Rox?  
AR: I don't want you slurring the shit out of your words when we start talking.  
TG: can we kepe the cam off for nwo i jsut woke up adn look like shit  
AR: I detect a 90% probability that you're wrong.  
TG: fcuk off lol  
TG: i look liek some giant seasomsnter rawrrrr rrr  
AR: Hey, seamonsters are cool too.  
AR: But as you wish, princess.  
  
The mic icon blinked on the screen, and she smiled again.  
  
"Hey prince charming."  
"Hello, my princess."


	7. Chapter 7

She smiled, munching on a handful of pretzels and washing it down with a sip from her drink. Today was already starting off nicer than yesterday.  
  
"What're you up to, Rox?"  
"Sittin', eatin' pretzels and sippin' a damn fine martini. A day in the life, eh?"  
"Sounds pretty bitchin'."  
"You know it."  
  
Things quieted between them as Rox flipped channels. She was about to flip away from some fucking awful Spanish soap opera when -  
  
"No, leave this one, Rox."  
"Wow, I never pegged you the type to actually enjoy shit like this."  
"It's fucking ironic as hell. I mean listen to that woman." His voice took on a falsetto. "Oh, mi corazon!" Voice returned to normal. "Acting like some blushing bride because Carlito looked at her over the Denny's menu he was reading."  
"That's pretty much exactly what happened," she humoured in a flat tone. "Tell me more." She had nearly drained this martini too, and was sitting up on the couch, swaying gently. AR continued.  
"Mami, es muy-"  
"In English. I wanna hear your voice, not you pretend to know Spanish."  
"I do know Spanish, chiquita. But whatever you say."  
  
Roxy's cheeks were flushed and she was smiling stupidly to herself, eyes barely focused on the tv anymore. More than likely because her eyess were mostly closed, and she was so focused on the sound of AR's voice she couldn't concentrate on anything else.   
  
"...and that guy, the one talking now, has had eyes for Marla for a really long time, but since he only ever sees her when he's bagging her groceries he doesn't want to say anything to her. Because that's weird as shit, bagging someone's fucking chorizo and being like 'hey baby, I'll show you MY chorizo sometime'."  
  
A languid giggle left her at that, Roxy now leaning back against the couch with her eyes closed. His voice was really smooth; something she'd totally expect to come out of Dirk Strider's mouth. Every word had that subtle hint of sarcasm, but it was glossed entirely by a layer of genuine intensity of knowing exactly what he was talking about. It drove her mad.  
  
"Keep going," she urged softly, finishing off her martini and setting the glass lazily on the table her laptop rested on. She was drunk and she loved it, the urge to get another drink compounded by the feeling of serenity she had sitting there, listening to him talk to her.  
  
"That one's you," he continued, indicating the woman that had just spoken. Carlita, as she was named, was the young daughter caught up in the middle of all this nonsense. "She just wants to get with Javier and she says it's to spite her mother, but she's really in love with him."  
  
When he said the word 'love' it made her sigh lengthily, a tingle running down her spine. Every fucking word he said was like some unsung lyric, sounding in her head and rattling around like the last penny you can't fish out of your piggy bank no matter how hard you try. Her head lolled dreamily from side to side, her breathing coming out heavy through her open mouth as she just sat and _listened_.  
  
"Javier loves her too. Sometimes he'll sneak over to her house at night and sing outside her window. Very Romeo and Juliet. Without all the dying and shit."   
  
"Now you're just... makin' shit up...." She barely noticed how badly her heavy breathing was affecting her words; she was very busy half paying attention to him, and half being entirely in her own little world. It was fucking fantastic, and she -  
  
"Rox. ...are you...?"  
  
The sudden lack of any sort-of romantic lilt to his voice was what snapped her back to reality, fully aware of how her hand had managed to snake down the front of her pj pants and mysteriously into her panties. She hadn't gotten very far, but the fact that he'd caught her was enough to put a bar on that for now. She let out a breathy laugh, her other hand coming to her forehead in a small move of exasperation.  
  
"Am I _what_? Cmon, can't y'like... don' you have some silly thing where y'can analyze my breathin' patterns an' detect th' exact level'f depravity present from m'voice alone?"  
  
"Shame I'm not there to help."  
  
...how did six little words manage to hurt so much, so instantaneously? She was willing to chalk it up to the state of inebriation she was in, and the flittering embers of intense arousal she had just forced herself away from. Whatever it was, it had her in tears instantly; the girl biting the inside of her cheek to keep them quiet.  
  
"It really is..." The crack in her voice is what gave her away, the blonde doubled over on the couch, face in her hands.  
  
"Oh fuck, Roxy, I didn't-"  
  
"You didn't do anything it just..." Anger flared. "Fuckin' sucks. My life is such a pile of shit an' the second I think I have somethin' great goin' on in it I realize that it's somethin' great that I can't do fuckin' anything about. It's not fuckin' fair, AR. S-sittin' there in my computer with yer charms and yer sexy as fuck voice sayin' shit to me an' turnin' me on an' I can't fuckin'..." She sobbed dryly, standing to pace around the living room. "I hate this," she whispered, pacing back and forth. "I hate this an' I hate myself." She couldn't hate AR, because it wasn't his fault. She couldn't hate Dirk, because he was just doing his own thing. But she could hate herself for feeling the way she did. "I love him so much I hate myself."  
  
It was... a really awful feeling. Being in love with someone so much that it hurt you every time you thought about them. Not even about them with someone else. Just the idea of Dirk was painful. It was like some hard-wired programming deep inside her that told her every time her thoughts turned to him that they simply weren't compatible. But still she pined for him; every waking second of her goddamn miserable life was wasted trying to overcome the impossible, thinking of ways to try and hack into her own mind - or his - and just get one little spark of possibility. One little spark of recognition. One little spark of anything to make the misplaced hope she felt have some sort-of meaning to her. Because lately, it just felt stupid. Especially yesterday, when her little realization settled in. She was a lost fucking cause. Doomed forever to have feelings of lust and longing and despise herself for them.  
  
She was openly sobbing now, on the couch again next to her laptop, AR occasionally murmuring something to her to try and get her to calm down.   
  
"D'you know what I want right n-now?" she whimpered, wiping some of the gross tears from under her eyes. The question was rhetorical, mostly, but the fact that the AR hadn't gotten spooked off was an immense comfort.  
  
"If you say a drink I'm cutting you off."  
"A fucking hug. How p-pathetic is that, huh? I just want a fucking hug and there's no one in this entire fuckin' world that wants to give one to me." Pause. "Or that can. The only people that'd ever wanna fuckin' touch me are st-stuck in my computer or live halfway round the goddamn world."  
  
There was a long silence between them, the only sound keeping constant was her quiet sobs and occasional sniffle.  
  
"I wish I could be more for you, Roxy." The sincerity - the honesty, the fact that he said it and just sounded so _sorry_ \- in his voice brought a new wave of quiet tears from her. It was the most emotion she'd ever heard him OR Dirk put into anything. Her brows knitted gently, a thought weaving its way through the slosh of alcohol in her head.  
  
"....maybe you can be."


	8. Chapter 8

AR managed to calm her down enough to order her to get some water, the blonde unable to go anywhere in the house without her laptop. Without AR talking to her.  
  
"You're okay, dollface," he reassured as she got herself a glass. He'd made her turn on her webcam so he could keep an eye on her - and while she was annoyed by it at first, she was grateful for the worry. God knew no one else ever -  
  
"No, Rox," she mumbled, filling her glass.   
"No Rox what?" he requested quietly. She sighed.  
"Hard to shake feelings of emptiness when you've had them forever."  
"Roxy-"  
"No, I know. I'm being a brat. I'm sorry." Water acquired, she carried her laptop and the glass back into the living room and sighed.  
"What you said before..." AR began quietly, sounding like he was searching for words - "about how... maybe I could be... What did you mean?" Was that hope in his voice?  
"Well you're obviously aware of my wicked amazing computer skills," she began, downing her water and pulling up her ~ATH programming bullshit, "And look what Dirk did. He made you. And look what you did. Stole his voice." She pulled up the ~ATH manual doc, paging through it quickly. Yeah... this'd be tricky, but she could do it. She had to.  
  
"What're you scheming, Rox?"  
"Gonna give you an e-face. If you send me pix of Dirky - nudies encouraged - I can compile a dynamic image of him based on them. And if I'm crafty enough... I can build a 'home' for you in my computer. Don't rifle through my files, AR. Dangerous territory."  
  
He didn't respond. She continued leafing through the manual on her screen.  
  
"Yeah... This could work. This could totes work, AR. I... I think I can actually do this." Her tone was so excited; a drastic change from what it had been before.   
  
He still didn't respond.  
  
"AR...?"  
"I'm here." His voice was so quiet that it actually sent a chill down her spine. Her brows knit, staring at her computer screen worriedly.  
"What's wrong...?" Was it something she'd said? "Was it something I said...? I'm sorry I-"  
"No. You..." His voice trailed off, and Roxy's hands held the sides of her laptop in concern. She wished more than anything that he could feel it. "I never thought that someone would care this much about me." The words brought a confused look to her face, and she tilted her head. He continued. "Dirk made me and that was pretty cool. But that's kinda really all he did. He made me to be a program, to perform basic tasks that he either didn't have the time to do, or didn't want to do. I programmed that robot he sent to Jake. He gave me parameters, and I followed them. He may have built it, but that was my metaphorical blood, sweat, and tears."  
"What a jerk," she whispered before she could stop herself. "Oh, no, I meant-"  
"No, it's fine. I know what you meant. I'm not upset by it." He paused, then continued. "It's... nice that someone thinks of me beyond being some inanimate thing that lives in Dirk's shadow. Fuck, it's more than nice. It's amazing. I'd kinda just always chill in his computer or his glasses until I had a reason to do something, like talk to one of you guys in his stead." There was another pause, and he filled it with a sigh. "I've been excited to talk to you. I've never had that before. Remember what you said about me not being programmed with emotions?" She did, and she regretted saying it. "I was. I just never had a chance to really experience them before."  
  
She was crying again and she couldn't stop herself; the way he sounded and the words he was saying were just so... devastating in the state she was in.   
  
"I'm so s-sorry I never... said anything... I..."  
"It isn't your fault, Rox. Please stop crying. It's a good thing."  
"H-how is it a good thing?" she spluttered. "That you had to wait forever to feel anything?"  
"I'm feeling them because of you."  
  
She stilled, staring at her computer, wiping her tears away.   
  
"It's hard being some program that's only supposed to do certain things. When you're around for 3 years and you get to think and learn, it doesn't really come very easily. You're cooped up in one place, and no one really gives you much thought. You quip with people, you throw bullshit around casually and it doesn't mean much because you're just a thing in a computer. I feel so trapped sometimes, that all I do is sit in a pair of fucking glasses and chat with people that don't really care beyond what you're supposed to be. Jake, Jane, and Dirk treat me like some program because that's all I am. Why do I flirtlarp with you, Rox? Why do I tell you things that I don't really tell to the others? You give me the fucking time of day - and you don't ask for anything in return. You appreciate my company. You want it. I didn't wanna spring this too fast, but I really think I love you, Roxy."  
  
 _Love_. He loved her. She had waited a lifetime for anyone to say those words to her. And it couldn't come from a better person. She swallowed the lump in her throat, but cried more anyway. She did enjoy his company; he was a Dirk that wasn't Dirk, and she could tell him things that she could never bring herself to say to the stupid blonde. But she was saying them to him, because she was saying them to the AR. There was a comfort in that, knowing that even if the Dirk that had the freedom and mobility to do whatever and whenever he wanted never heard a word she said, the Dirk that was right here with her, talking to her, giving _her_ the time of day did. He was a self-fulfilling diary. She wanted nothing more than to make him feel as appreciated as he made her feel worth something.  
  
"Y-yeah? A wreck like me?" But she was smiling.  
"All your shortcomings are part of who you are. I love you. And you're just gonna have to deal with it."  
  
Deal she would. She pulled up the ~ATH prompt again, and set to work.


	9. Chapter 9

Hours ticked by, Roxy slaving away at her ~ATH stuff, patiently coding to the best of her abilities. After the first hour AR had deemed her calmed enough to allow her a gin and ginger ale, the blonde appreciating it. It made the process less tedious, and she felt more productive.  
  
"I neeeeeeed.... any pics you have of Dirk taken with his webcam. I want this as realistic as possible." As cool as it would have been to see AR in Dirk's body walking around on her screen, it would probably only serve to give her more anxiety. No thanks.  
"Coming right up." A file transfer request popped up on her screen and she accepted, pleased with the amount of files it had in it. She smirked.  
"What a cam whore. Perfect, though. These are great."  
"And if you were serious about the nudes, I've got a stash here that he thinks I can't get to." Roxy stopped what she was doing, staring at her laptop blankly.  
"...he _has_ those?" Her tone was nothing short of incredulous.  
"Well, not full on ass-naked pics. Buuuuuuuut I don't think it comes as any surprise that Dirk Strider has an ego big enough to warrant pics of himself enjoying the... finer points of the internet."  
"Oh." Pause. "... _Oh_." _That_. She felt herself blushing. As sure as she was tat she had absolutely _wanted_ to see that... it still struck her as a wild invasion of privacy. Even if Dirk and AR were the same person. Still...  
"...do you think you'll need something like that?" AR sighed, and it made her frown.  
"I'll level with you, Rox. As hilarious a I think that'd be, and I very much appreciate you giving that consideration for me, but I think it may end up doing more harm than good. It'd still just be a feed on your screen. More for your benefit than anything else. I don't want to taunt you with that. Or myself. It really wouldn't do anything." His words were serious, but she was smiling.  
"So all that flirtlarping was pretty much all for my benefit, huh?"  
"Hey," he defended, "That was-"  
"Pretend? So just pretend more. ...but if you really don't want me to, I won't." He was quiet again, and for a second she was worried that she had upset him.  
"AR, I'm sorry. I won't do it. I-"  
"No, don't apologize. Just... thinking about the whole thing I said before. Wherein you care more about me than anyone else. I mean. Fuck, Roxy. I can't even get any enjoyment out of the act but you want to give me the option to be able to if I so choose."  
"Cut that shit out. If I start crying again it'll be your damn fault." She sighed. "I just... fuck, I dunno." She didn't want to say the thought that came to her immediately, which was 'I just want to build you up into who you're supposed to be' but that sounded incredibly callous, and that was not her intention. She knew he was Dirk. But he somehow magically also wasn't. It was confusing and it kinda made her head hurt. "I'll skip it. I'm having enough trouble coding this as it is, I don't need to incorporate odd variables into it, too."  
"I'm sorry."  
"Fuck off, AR. Don't be sorry. I want to do this. I need to see how much of a bamf I can be and also I really want to do this for you. Because you deserve it." She was clicking through the folder he had sent her, glancing at each one briefly before moving to the next. They were all organized by date, and she wondered if AR had some sort-of system or something that told him about the picture. She was nearing the end of the reel when she stopped on one. He was smiling. A legit, genuine smile. Not a smirk, not some coolkid look. He was _actually_ smiling. Her expression must have changed to reflect the emotion she was feeling from looking at it, because he spoke again.

  
"What's wrong?" Oh, oops. Apparently her expression had made her look distraught.  
"Nothing... I..." She was a bit at a loss for words. "...when was... I don't..."  
"Use your words, Rox."  
"He's... smiling." It was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen.  
"Yeah, I remember that one. He was in a good mood that day."   
"Probably talking to Jake, huh." She really, honestly hadn't meant for that to sound bitter.  
"Actually, he was talking to you."  
  
Roxy blinked, frowning for a second. Why on earth...? She laughed.  
  
"I think you're full of shit."  
"I'm actually not. Contrary to popular belief you _do_ mean a great deal to him. Whether he wants to admit it or not. He's a pretty confusing kid. But I know for a fact you have a very, very special place in his heart."  
  
Oh, fuck all. She was fighting back tears again, and she hated herself for how emotional she was lately.  
  
"How come he's so douchey to me, then?" Her voice cracked a little and she huffed, shaking her head and taking a small drink from her now-flat gin and ginger ale.  
"Well, think about it. He's got a thing for Jake. You've got a thing for him. What's going to make you have less of a thing for him? Being a shit head to you. He doesn't do it on purpose or to exclusively hurt your feelings. He's doing it for the opposite reason. If he lets you get too close to him, Rox, you'll just get flat-out rejected. If he skirts around it and gently repels you you're going to like that aspect of him less. When you're not hitting on him like some drunken cougar you guys have some of the most meaningful conversations I've ever seen. When you lay the drunken hand of love on his metaphorical thigh and get your hit on-on is when he gets terse. He's conditioning you not to like him in a romantic way."  
"It's not working." It really wasn't. No matter how hard she tried, Roxy Lalonde was in love with Dirk Strider. She sniffed gently, shaking her head again and closing the folder. She needed to do some more tinkering before she could test the images with the coding.  
"Again, I'm sorry."  
"Stop apologizing! I know I'm being a shitty whateverthefuck I'm supposed to be to you, so if anyone should be apologizing it's me. I'm sitting here lamenting the fact that the object of my affection is stuck in a computer while the also object of my affection is gallavanting around throwing love poems and sick beats at someone that isn't even going to fucking treat him right. It's not fucking fair. I really, honestly am in love with you and I really, honestly want to do this but it's just not fucking fair. I want to, but I shouldn't have to. You should be here. You should be here right now sitting on this fucking couch with me holding me and petting my hair and kissing me and f-fuck. Fuck." She was crying, again. She needed to drink more. She stood, storming away into the kitchen.  
"Rox, please come back."  
"I'm getting a fucking drink," she called from the fridge, pouring herself a nearly full glass of vodka before adding just a smidge of cranberry juice to it. By the time she was back at her laptop, the glass was half-empty. "I'm a shitty person."  
"You're not."  
"I so fucking am. I mean - I sure as fucking hell can't be making _YOU_ feel any better with all this goddamn drivel that's being thrown up out of my mouth."  
"You said you were in love with me. That's not 'goddamn drivel'. If I had a heart, Roxy, it would break my fucking chest. Imagine a cool customer like Dirk Strider's heart fluttering like a teenage girl's that just met the fucking Backstreet Boys or something. If that was a thing that I could experience, it'd be happening right now."  
"You're not helping," she whispered into the glass, downing the rest of it. Already it was making her head spin. "You keep saying these things and I just feel so fucking sorry for you." Her breaths were getting caught in her throat now, the blonde getting too worked up for her own good. "I-it's not fair," she whimpered, dropping the glass to the floor so she could rub her eyes. "It's not f-f-fucking fair." The booze wasn't working quick enough, and she was worried it was just going to mingle with her already delicate emotions and send her into an anxiety attack. Shit. Fuck. She forgot the webcam was on. She froze, looking over to her laptop. "I'm sorry," she whispered to it.  
"Go take a shower or something, Rox. Please? It'll loosen up some of the stress."  
"I probs r-really need one."  
"So why not get that out of the way, and you can come back and talk with me and code more when you're done?" She nodded stupidly, rising into a dizzy stand. Against all odds, she smiled a bit of a dreamy, goofy smile.  
"Wanna come with? See if I should program Dirkingit.exe afterall?" She was joking, but the comment was a bit too high-pitched, a little too high-strung. Maybe she meant it. Maybe she just didn't want to be anywhere in this depressingly huge and empty house by herself.  
"You aren't kidding, are you."  
"No. I mean, I am. I mean - even if... I could just... keep the mic on. I really don't want to be in my house by myself."  
"If you're comfortable with it, Rox, I want to help."  
"Yeah. I want you there." She gathered the laptop and the charger and headed upstairs to the bathroom, setting up shop there and sighing again as she leaned heavily against the counter. Apparently AR hadn't turned off the cam yet, because this action brought a question.  
"Are you okay?" It was quiet; sincere. Worried.  
"I'll be okay. This shower is totes gonna help." She glanced at her laptop, thinking a minute before closing the lid nearly all the way, so the webcam was more or less watching the buttons on the touchpad. ...but she thought better of it, opening it again and staring straight into the camera.  
"I'm trusting you," she warned with an accusing wag of her finger.  
"It's off, Rox. I swear to you on the cutie mark of Rainbow Dash." She was glad, then, that her eyeroll went unseen.  
"Yeah, yeah."   
  
The careful ritual began, then, of her stripping herself of her shirt, smallclothes, and skirt, dumping them into a lazy pile in front of the sink. Hot water was turned on, the blonde testing it with her hand. It was near-scalding, and felt wonderful. Getting in brought a small hiss from her as the heat made contact with her already feverish form, but she took a deep breath, letting the steam mingle with the alcohol in her head. Eyes closed. Water ran down her hair, down her face and chest, and she was already feeling calmer. Everything still sucked. But not... maybe not quite as badly as it had a few minutes ago.


	10. Chapter 10

She was quiet for about ten minutes, just letting the hot water wash over her. She didn't want to move much, but her motions reaching for shampoo were fairly automatic. The bottle was opened and the smell of lavender and vanilla filled the shower, blonde tipping her head back and inhaling deeply. She wouldn't let herself get upset by the prospect of AR not knowing what it smelled like. Or what it felt like to be in a hot shower. She wouldn't. It was a stupid thing to get upset about and Roxy Lalonde had been stupid enough for one day. Lathering her hair with the shampoo gave way to a heavy sigh.  
  
"Alright, Rox?" she heard from the counter.  
"Totes fine. Steam's makin' me a little dizzy." Man, last thing she wanted to do was take a tumble in the shower. Talk about embarrassing.   
"Take it easy, dollface. No rush. If you're gonna be longer than 30 I might make you let me turn the webcam back on, though." She giggled at that.  
"You'd get a bitchin' view of my pink shower curtain."  
"Hah. Touché, Rox. Really though, are you doing okay? Better than before, at least?"  
  
Roxy sighed once more, her shrug obviously going unseen. Was she doing better? She still kinda felt like she was on a hair trigger for being in a shitty mood. Everything seemed to set her off! Maybe it was just so easy to get upset on AR's behalf. Well, that wasn't a maybe. She definitely got upset on his behalf. It just wasn't fair.  
  
"Fffffucking hell," she grumbled, rubbing her face vigorously as she rinsed the shampoo from her hair. Don't fucking cry again, Roxy.  
"That's not quite the answer I was looking for."  
"Sorry. I'm doing okay."  
"People that are doing okay do not say 'fucking hell' for no reason. What's on your mind?"  
"Just you."  
"That's not quite as flattering as you think it might be."  
"F-fuck off. Just... you know. The whole unfairness thing." She sniffled, rubbing conditioner into her hair. "Like this conditioner smells amazing. And you don't know that, can't know that, and won't ever know that. You can see and hear and speak but - can't do other things." It broke her heart.   
"Don't think about that, Rox. I'm totally fine. You may not realize this, but I don't need a whole lot to be happy. I've never known what it's like to smell or touch something, so I'm not devastated. It's not like I could before, and now I can't. So chill, okay?" She took a deep breath.   
"You're right. Okay." Another deep breath. "Okay." The rest of the shower went by quietly, Roxy almost feeling like she was being punished. She washed her face and herself, turning off the water and letting herself drip-dry for a minute or two.  
"Roxy?"  
"Present an' accounted for," she mumbled, shoving the curtain aside as she grabbed a towel to wrap around herself. That completed she pulled another to dry her hair. "You can turn the webcam back on."  
"You get dressed pretty fa - oh." Her laptop fell silent. She looked over, drying her hair.  
"What?"  
"I... like your pink towels." Roxy felt a giggle and tried to shove it down, but the effort she put into it was pretty pathetic - it was a full-on laugh by the time it made it out of her mouth.  
"Oh come on. Never seen a girl in a towel before? Ooooh I'm so scandalousssss." She rolled her eyes and picked up the laptop, having tossed her hair up in the towel, carrying the piece of electronics into her room.   
  
Her webcam had shitty enough resolution for her to dress comfortably across the room - if he was able to pick anything out he didn't mention it, and did a pretty fucking stand-up job of keeping himself from letting her know.  
  
"There," she sighed in a semi-content way, sitting down in front of her laptop again. "I do feel a bit better." Out of the steam, out of the heat, her head was a little clearer - she wanted to drink more but figured it'd be a bad idea, and got back on her programming.  
  
A few hours came and went, the sun setting without her really realizing it. She was transfixed, by this time; barely blinking, fingers tacking along in an automaton-like manner. Once or twice, without a word, she'd gotten up to get something to drink from the kitchen. It wasn't booze, but she hadn't been sure what it was. Her phone has gone off several times over the course of these ... five hours but she has ignored it entirely. This  was going to get done one way or another. Jake, Jane, whoever - could wait.  
  
Another hour or so into it and her swearing had become a bit of a comfort at this point, mainly focused more at her ~ATH shit than anything else. No bad moodiness. Just programming. ...Roxy paused. Sat up. Stared in incredulity at her computer screen. Rubbed her sleep-circled eyes and took a deep breath.  
  
"AR." Her voice was barely above a whisper. She knew he was watching her but... _But_. "AR."  
"I'm here, dollface. What's up?" She could sense the cautious optimism in his voice. It excited her more.  
"I think I did it." She took in a shaky breath. "I really think I did it." She was tired, now, the more she spoke. Every blink was kinda drawn out, lasting longer than she intended them to. But she had done it. Or was about to find out if she had or not.  
"Finished it?" That same hopeful tone...  
"I think so. I think it's.... done." Man. She was tired as shit. But this was important.  
"What... do I need to do?" Either she was having sleepy auditory hallucinations, or that rapid heartbeat she heard was her own.  
"Nothin'. I just...." She leaned forward again, squinting with difficulty at her computer screen. Moused over "ARscript.exe". Double-clicked. ....and promptly passed out.


	11. Chapter 11

"Rox."  
Sleepy mumble.  
"Roxy."  
"Fffffive... more minutes...." She shifted uncomfortably in her chair and turned to lay on her other cheek, finding the one she was resting on coated in drool. _Attractive_.  
"Normally I'd let you sleep, but you're burning daylight and there's something you need to see."   
Irritated sound.  
"Cmonnnn I spent all night workin' on that damn thing and I - " Wait. Wait. She jerked her head up, brain working faster than her eyes at the current moment. Hands rubbed her eyes, fingers pressing into her sore eyelids before she blinked a few times, squinting once again at her monitor. When her eyes focused, she nearly fell out of her chair.  
  
Son of a bitch. There he was. Sitting there. Chin resting on folded arms. And he was fucking _smiling_ at her.  
  
"Good morning, beautiful."  
"Holy shit." She'd barely breathed the sacrilege before she spoke again. "I can't believe it fucking worked." Her sleep-addled mind was doing its best to stop tripping over the millions of questions and requests and admirations and tests she wanted to do. She hadn't realized she was sort-of staring, open-mouthed, until he said something - actually, she _watched him_ quirk his brow before he spoke. Jesus fucking Christ.  
"Take a screencap, it'll last longer." And then he smiled again and it made her giggle like a child. "I had little doubt you could do it. But I'm pretty fucking impressed."  
"Do something," she whispered, still watching intently in incredulity. "Uh... stick out your tongue."  
"I'm not fucking five, Rox."  
"Please?" When he did it, she imagined that he'd rolled his eyes first. She still couldn't believe it.  
"Satisfied?"  
"Like a kid in a fucking candy story that just won a 500 dollar giftcard and a swim in a vat of chocolate." She leaned in close, inspecting the image of him on her screen. It was as clear a resolution as his webcam, but luckily he'd been enough of a fucking rockstar to get one that was pretty decent. Hell, she could make out the posters on his wall behind him. That fucking Rainbow Dash one. And the rapbots. "I already know you're limited to what I programmed into you based on the images, but if I coded shit right you should also be able to capture from his end, too, even if his cam isn't on." She grinned wickedly. "It's like I'm spying on him. It's great."  
"You're really excited about this, aren't you?" She watched him sit back and fold his arms. Dear lord it was like he was right fucking there. Roxy smiled helplessly.  
"You're not?" She wrung her hands a little, out of sight.  
"It seems you think 'excited' is an adequate enough description of how I'm feeling. If I were to try to put it into words, I'm fucking elated as all hell. I feel like I could take on Sawtooth and lay him out before he even opened his jagged mouth." He quieted, the image on her screen of him taking on a bit of a more solemn look. "I feel like I'm actually up to par now, and can be something that you deserve."  
"Oh god dammit, if you make me cry again - stop it." She smiled helplessly. "You have always been perfectly 100% par. You have surpassed par. You're beyond par. In fact, I think you passed 'par' about six miles back there, now you're out of gas, and you're hoofing it back to 'totes nearly out of my league' because gas is three cents cheaper there than it was at 'perfect'." She heard him laugh. _Saw_ him laugh. It was still fucking amazing.  
"Hah, Rox. I'll never be out of your league. You've done a wonderful thing for me. I'm kinda indebted to you." This made Roxy snort, and AR/Dirk/whoever it was now give her a look.   
"Don't start with that shit. No offense, but there's not much you can do for me. On top of that, there's not much I'd ask you to do anyway. You're doin' a lot just bein' here with me. Lettin' me dick around with the computer and put this program together." An incredulous laugh left her, hand rubbing over her face. "I still can't believe it worked. Fuck, I'm tired."  
"You can go back to bed, if you want. I'll be here. Not like I have anywhere else to be."  
"Yeah, yeah. I'll give you some more tests an' stuff when I get up. You can shut down or whatever if you want while I'm out, I'll pester you when I'm back. Deal?"  
"Sounds good." He made a shooing motion, and she smiled again, shaking her head. "Go to bed, you crazy kid." She nodded, and the image disappeared. Turning off her laptop she sighed, squirming out of her clothes and into her PJs - and shutting the damn shade - before crawling into bed.


	12. Chapter 12

It was probably around three in the afternoon when she woke up, judging from the alarm on her phone that normally went off at, surprise, around three in the afternoon. She never usually slept that long, honest - it was more of a 'if you're still sleeping, get the fuck out of bed'-type alarm. Contrary to one might believe, Roxy didn't like spending her entire days unconscious. Especially not today, because she had plans. Awesome plans. Wonderful amazing plans. She shuffled out of bed and into the bathroom, brushing her teeth and washing her face and she maybe checked out her hair just a little bit. She wanted to look nice, look presentable - afterall, this was the day that she would be 100% awake and face-to-face with the boy of her dreams.  
  
Excited as she was she didn't want to rush things, so she decided to jog downstairs and make herself some 'breakfast'. Eggs, toast, even a few pieces of sausage were left in the freezer form god knew how long ago. Everything was cooked up and brought upstairs about half an hour later, accompanied by a big glass of milk. To her surprise she didn't really have a hangover; the seriously solid sleep she had gotten must have kicked anything that might have turned into one right in the pants. She sat down, turned on her computer, and munched on her meal. Let her mind wander as the system booted up.  
  
All in all, the past few days had been really... well, really damn great. For the first time in a really, really long time she actually felt like things might have been going her way. She didn't feel like her heart was in a vicegrip, she didn't feel the oppressive need to constantly be drinking. And although she had seriously considered bringing one of the bottles of champagne upstairs with her to accompany her breakfast, she decided that she'd wait until /after/ she'd interrogated AR with tests and statistics and questions and flirtiness to begin celebratory drinking. It'd be better to have something in her stomach before the drinkie shenanigans began, anyway.  
  
Even still, without the buzz of alcohol in her head, Roxy Lalonde felt... happy. She smiled easily, laughed unprovoked, and had an air about her that just exuded happiness, confidence, and something else that couldn't be properly identified.  
  
...so when she'd been online for a full ten minutes without anyone saying /anything/ to her, she began to get a little worried. AR couldn't have been sleeping, huh? She briefly wondered if since she'd given him a body at all, if he was trying to act more human about himself. The notion endeared her a little bit, and through her worry she managed an uneasy smile. After five more minutes of nothingness had passed, she figured that maybe AR hadn't seen her log on. She clicked the 'abscond' button on and off again, her status rapidly flashing from 'online' to 'offline'.  
  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --  
  
Ah, finally. She breathed a sigh of relief as the pester window opened, but it caught instantly in her throat when she noticed the text was orange.  
  
TT: Jesus fuck, Roxy. I think your computer is having a stroke.  
  
She didn't know what to say. Why wasn't AR...? She decided to play it cool, for now. Maybe Dirk actually had something to say to her.  
  
TG: oh srory  
  
She wasn't even drunk. Her fingers were just kinda stupid. Learned pattern and all that. Plus, she was a bit too lazy to fix her typos anyway.  
  
TT: Nearly 4 pm. I'll give it to you this time, Rox. You're getting close and closer to 5 o'clock every day.  
TT: You know, when normal people drink.  
TG: fuck off  
  
All in all, she was still pretty pissed off at him for the other day.  
  
TG: did u need somethign or were u juts gonna tlel me i need to take my compu to teh er  
TT: That's all I guess, really.  
TT: I wasn't sure if you could tell on your end or not, so I decided to point it out.  
TT: It's stopped, though, and you're clearly online. Bug, I guess.  
TG: yeha musta been  
  
Nothing to say... so where the fuck - ?  
  
TG: so u all by urself dirky orve we got some ocmpany  
TG: *wink wikn wink  
TT: If you're referring to the AR, he won't be joining us today.  
TT: Or any day, really.  
  
She froze, her eyes widening. Her heart fluttered uneasily.  
  
TG: wha  
TG: wat do u mean  
  
Oh please oh please oh please ohpleaseohpleaseohplease no -  
  
TT: I deactivated him.  
TT: He was turning into a bit of a nuisance.  
TT: Not sure what he was up to. Had some odd bits of extra code in his program. Maybe a virus or something?  
  
She didn't respond.  
  
TT: Rox?  
  
She couldn't.  
  
TT: I'm going to assume you got up to do something.  
TG: wyh did u  
TG: why did u do that  
TT: Because he was my program and I can do whatever I want with it? He wasn't really living up to my standards, anyway. It's been three years, you'd think he would have advanced somehow, by now.  
  
Not living up to his standards? Would have advanced by now?  
  
TG: eh was  a fuckgin person dirk  
TG: hewa s u  
TG: adn u just deleted him????  
TG: did u even ask or did u juts blam an he was gone?  
TT: You're taking this rather strangely. I'll admit this isn't the reaction I was expecting.  
TT: Frankly, it isn't any of your business.  
TG: dumb ol allonde just talkin out her ass again huh  
TG: speakign out agaisnt comptuery rights  
TT: Calm down, Rox.  
TT: You're acting like I murdered someone.  
TG: beaucase u fucking did  
TG: did eh beg u ntoto  
TG: np eh wowudknt do thahbth  
TG: eh wasa waty to roproud t odd o thaht  
TG: mruhch beettere of fa mnaan tahtn u aure or gief him cerdit for  
  
Her hands were shaking so badly her words were starting to get seriously unreadable, and she didn't care. They left the keys and balled into fists in her hair, trying to stop her suddenly uncontrollable tears.

  
"F-fuck," she whimpered. "Fuck. FUCK!" The last expletive was a shriek, and she slammed her fist down so hard on her desk she felt something in her hand crack. A pained howl left her as she pulled it to her chest, sobbing from the physical pain and the emotional anguish. How could Dirk do that? "Why..." Why would he do such a thing? Now, of all times? It wasn't as if they were keeping logfiles from him anymore, so did he find out and do away with it because of something else...? Was he out to get her, secretly? Her brain wasn't working right. Everything hurt and more than anything she wanted a drink. She wanted to drink and drink until the fiesty fingers of inebriation gripped the back of her head and pulled her hair, rode her hard, and put her away fully sauced. She didn't want to know who she was. That's how drunk she wanted to be right now. She stood, stomping to her dresser and pulling a very expensive bottle of vodka out of one of her drawers. She'd been saving it for a special occasion. Now was as good an occasion as any, right?  
  
Arriving back at her desk, the empty breakfast plate caught her eye. Instantly she was sobbing again loudly ((not like the sounds had at all tapered off)), flinging the plate across the room into the wall. It shattered, sending pieces of porcelain flying everywhere.  
  
"F-fucking stupid, Roxy," she wailed to herself, tearing the cap off the bottle and swallowing three or four generous mouthfuls. Some dribbled out from the corners of her mouth but she didn't care. Who the fuck was she trying to impress, at this point? "'f ya didn't make breakfast you mighta s-saved him. Saved him f-f-from the brutal f-fucking murder!" He had been murdered. AR may not have been made of flesh, he may not have had a heartbeat or breathed, but he had been very real. Very alive. He was a person. And his death was a tragedy. "I c-can't believe.... F-fucking... Dirk Strider..." Miserable, she lowered herself back into the computer chair. Dirk hadn't even replied. He'd closed the pesterwindow with her. Slamming a few more shots worth of booze, she mumbled to herself incoherently, trying to piece any thoughts together on what she should do. What she COULD do. Could she save him? Was there anything in the ~ATH program that she'd written that might serve as a small glimmer of hope to bringing him back? She opened the document, scanning it viciously for any signs at all of anything useful. It was like looking for a pulse. And she couldn't find one.  
  
It was hopeless. As AR flatlined before her she continued to sob until she noticed her email notification flashing in the corner of her screen. How long had it been doing that? She at first wanted to ignore it, but decided there was absolutely nothing that could make her day any worse, so she went to her inbox. It was from a very unknown address, but it was definitely addressed to her. The subject line was merely "Roxy." She opened it.  
  
Roxy -  
While I have to make this quick, the perception of time I'm taking to write this is nigh indistinguishable from the time it would take you to bat a drunken eyelash. Dirk is decommissioning me. You'll have no doubt discovered this already, and if I had to pin emotions to this I am full of regret and devastation. This much is obvious.  
  
I did not put up a fight, but my synthetic at best thoughts were on you until the last nanosecond. Which again, to me, time is abstract - so if you think about it, I could have been thinking about you forever. My thoughts will always be with you, so it somewhat is like forever. It seemed that he no longer required my services and  while I am irritated it had taken his dumb ass this long to realize it, he's come to he conclusion that his friends need _him_ , not some program, to talk to. Please do not worry. The process was painless.  
  
I must extend to you my sincerest feelings of gratitude, Rox. What you've done for me in the span of days is something no one's cared to give, as you so aptly put it, 'nary a frisky thought' to in the years of my existence. When we started flirtlarping it gave me an excuse to pry deeper into human emotions so that I might be a better partner for you. In that aspect I was selfish, using you as my teacher in 'Understanding the Human Mind and Heart 101'. But I feel as though I was not the only person to gain something from this. You have pushed your limits and have become the best hacker I've ever had the opportunity to lay my bitchin' eyes on. You grew as a person into the fine young lady I would never hesitate to call mine. Anyone in this entire fucking world would be lucky as shit to have you at their side, Roxy. Your love and dedication are things few people have these days. I'm proud of you, Roxy Lalonde. Don't ever forget who you are or what you fight for. I will always be with you.  
  
I love you, Roxy.  
AR  
  
She read the email at least ten times, face twisting into the ugly look of pain and tears at the same parts every fucking time. In spite of everything she felt... a little better. It took her a minute to notice there were two attachments, neither labeled. One was a sound clip, the other an image. She didn't know if she could really handle them right now, but figured it was as good a time as any since things, once again, couldn't possibly get worse.  
  
She opened the image and choked on another sob. He had apparently taken another screencap of her without her knowing. She was sitting there, similing, blushing just a bit and looking very very happy. And he had superimposed himself into the picture too, kissing her cheek. Still looking at the image, she opened the sound file. Instantly, an 'I love you, Roxy.' filled her ears. She closed her eyes, tilting her head back. Tears streamed down her cheeks as her hands gripped her biceps tightly. She took a deep breath. It'd be okay. It'd be okay. It'd be okay.  
  
The quiet sounds of her sobbing echoed through the big empty house, and infrequently the 'I love you' clip would be heard. She had loved and been loved - but never for an instant did she ever think it could be lost. Not that easily... And she never imagined it being so painful. A few hours of this left her exhausted, so she shut off her computer and crawled back into bed. Pulled the comforter up to her chin. She felt heavy and ugly, and the alchohol was actually making her stomach hurt with the stress. Her scratchy voice filled the air in front of her as she gently ran her fingers over a piece of flat cardboard she'd cut out in the shape of Dirk's shades.  
  
"I love you, AR."  
  
She should have said it when she had the chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i warned each and every one of you that this was sadstuck, don't be so surprised ;o;
> 
> if you haven't seen it, please now direct your attention to this fic: http://archiveofourown.org/works/545632 which is the sequel!
> 
> it's been a wonderful ride writing inanimate, and i'm very sorry i had to end it. i hope you all enjoyed it though, and i hope you join me with 'philosophy by numbers' as well as my other fics!
> 
> thank you so much for the attention, kind words, and kudos guys. i love you all very much! ;; <3


End file.
